Two years.
For the last two years, my mom has been dead. It’s weird. It’s painful. It might as well have been forever. It’s the longest in my life I’ve gone without seeing or talking to or hugging my mom.
Two years later, it’s easier than it was. But at times like this when I sit at my laptop to write this blog, in my backyard where my mom would’ve been sunbathing with me, it’s hard again. The choking sensation and tightness in the back of my throat return. The back of my eyes stings with tears. Feelings that were all too familiar.
Right after my mom died, I remember lying awake at night, scouring the internet on my phone for some sign of hope, help, or relief. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was searching for. Proof that someone else had survived this kind of monumental loss and heartbreak, and that I would get through it too. Everyone said it would get better and I hoped for my time to come. I wanted so badly to hit fast forward to that time, where every moment wasn’t burdened with the weight of tremendous pain and grief.
It doesn’t come as a shock to me that “one year since mom died” is one of the most common search times that brings people to my blog. I can relate to those who search, I understand why they seek what they do. While I can’t promise that it will bring what they or looking for, or even that it will help, I hope at least someone might feel less alone. It’s partially why I continue to share my journey through grief. I’m at the point that if someone asked me if I was okay, I wouldn’t be lying by responding with a yes (of course every day is different). I’m alive. I’m happy. I feel that I’m living out my dreams. But I still live with grief and always will.
After my mom died, it didn’t get easier. It got harder. Didn’t everyone say it was supposed to get easier? As each day passed, it slowly became the longest I had ever lived without my mom. Technically, I had never lived a day without her not being alive. With each day, it became the longest I hadn’t talked to her, or seen her, or given her a hug. I had never gone more than a few months without seeing her in person because even both times I lived abroad she came to visit.
As time passed, the reality of her death sank in harder and became more real. It was suffocating. Part of me wished it was a terrible joke, “OK mom, you got us, you can come back already.” But she wasn’t coming back. And she never would. There was no more pretending she was out shopping or on a vacation. The realization was unbearable.
I quickly saw the world in two distinct eras. Life with my mom and life after my mom. Like the Roman Empire and the fall of Rome. It dawned on me that each new song I heard on the radio was a song my mom had never heard before and would never get to hear. One that she would never be able to try to sing along to in the car even when she didn’t know all the lyrics. :p
All kinds of new things were happening in a life post-mom and none of them would have memories tied to her. Crazy, horrible things happened in the world, I was almost glad she wasn’t alive to see some of them. The world seemed like a much worse place without her in it…
I love photos. The realization that I would never take another photo with my mom was rough. That the photos I had with her were defined rather than infinite, I only had what we had. We could never take another photo together again, with her big beautiful smile.
Tonight (I’m no longer outside on my deck and now in another home dog-sitting) when I was digging through pictures on my dad’s Google drive using my mom’s name as the search term, I came across something new. I saw a photo of my mom and me that I don’t think I had ever seen before, or either completely forgot about (likely because it hadn’t been posted on any form of social media and lived in a phone camera roll).
I knew where we were (the original Starbucks in Seattle) but I couldn’t recall the exact occasion until I saw other photos from the outing (her sorority sister Margot was in town). Finding the “new” photo made me cry. But in a good way. There was the photo I didn’t know I was looking for.
Scrolling through random moments from ten or so years of my mom’s life still makes her death surreal. From holidays, birthday parties, vacations, and everyday moments, selfies and photos of her sticking her tongue out at whoever was behind the camera. In some ways, it is still hard to believe she’s really gone. I know this contradicts what I wrote earlier. But that’s grief for you.
Of course, I wish my mom was around to make more memories with, I miss her every day. But I feel that sometimes she is with me. And I am grateful for 25 years of well-documented memories and look forward to uncovering more evidence of the beautiful life she lived and love we shared.
A very random assortment of a few hidden gem photos I found after breaking into my dad’s Google drive:
go 4 the globe 
This is a wonderful story..actually she is still with you. I have lost many over the years…my father died when I was 12..you never forget and even today…strange things happen like finding a picture I have never seen.
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I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father and many others close to you. Thank you for reading my story and taking the time to respond, I appreciate your kind words.
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Krista,
I’m sorry it’s still so painful for you. Tomorrow marks twelve years since my daughter Katie lost her dad – also to cancer – he was 52 and she was just 14, so I can relate to what you are going through as a surviving daughter. I know for Katie too it never gets easier – especially when the anniversary falls on Father’s Day – double whammy. Neither of us are looking forward to tomorrow. 😦
Only met your mom once (what a beauty!! and a style icon with a magnetic personality to boot!), but as a mom myself I am sure she wouldn’t want you to be sad but instead to hold close the wonderful memories you have of her and to remember all of the good advice she gave you and most importantly how fiercely she loved you.
As parents we expect to leave this world before our children do, just not that much sooner.
Karen
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I am so sorry honey. I try and think of all the good times we all had together. She will always be in my heart. I think of all the good times we all had. All our shopping trips, vacations, our weddings, She was my maid of honor, I was her maid of honor. Our cruise together, Cape Cod, Nancy and I running in and out of the stores on Cape Cod as she wanted to find the last few Beanie Babies she wanted . Our Atlantic City trip in New Jersey. Our standing in line at the toy store day after Thanksgiving at 4 am to get some special toys for you guys. We used to run outside to grab the paper for the sales. Mark would tell us they forgot our paper. We would find it. Lake Conner with Janet and Nancy. I remember the house was so big. I got lost going to the bathroom. We sat and laughed for so long. There are so many memories. I remember taking her and Rich going to Boston to see Santa’s village. She was such a good lilttle girl. I could go on and on but I will see her, Mom and Dad in heaven one day with everyone else. I miss you guys. I love you guys so much. I am so happy I had such a wonderful family. I know we are supposed to think of all the good times but I agree with you. It is so hard to go to talk to her and not there.. I love you Krista very much. If you ever need to talk,you know you can always call me.
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It’s been two years since I lost my mom to Alzheimer’s. I think of her everyday and miss her everyday. It never get easier.. 😞💔
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Thank you so much !! I’m coming up on 2 years without my Mom and what’s so interesting is that I just now downloaded her camera on my computer and found some beautiful pictures she had taken of her flowers! She had a green thumb! Also a few pics of me she had taken and a few of her I had taken. It was like opening a treasure chest! I will always have the memories!! Love to you!
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I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. That’s so lovely about downloading the photos from her digital camera – what a treasure chest find!! Sending love to you at this difficult milestone!
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Hi. It’s 2020. I lost my Mom over two years ago. I just listened to a song we both loved and the grief and pain hit me again. Your post made me feel a little better. You articulated what I feel so well. I remember scouring the internet when it first happened because I didn’t know what to do with all the pain. My life has been split into before I lost her and after I lost her. I have her perfume in my nightstand. I smell it from time to time and close my eyes and pretend, for just a few seconds, that she’s still here.
Anyway. Thank you.
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Wow, I can’t believe I’m just seeing this now. I appreciate that you took the time to reach out and for your kind words. I’m so sorry that you can relate but grateful that I made you feel a little better in a tough time. It’s nearing six years since my mom died this month, which is crazy to think about. Grief never goes away, it just becomes a part of you. Sending you so much love and healing, always.
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My mama passed away 2 years ago due to stage 4 cancer. I miss her lot. I didn’t get the chance to tell her goodbye because i’m living in another country.
I guess she never wanted me to see her tired and sick. She always wanted to protect me.
I think about her every single day. I feel that no one can protect me anymore. It’s all by myself now. I wish if she can see me. I really want to believe that she’s watching over me. I wish if i can talk to her one last time. just to hear her soft voice. I regret every day being grumpy and not wanting to talk to her.
All what i hope now is that there is an after life where I can see her again and hug her and smell her. I miss her smell. i miss her her comforting voice1.
All what can I do now is go on with my life and wait till I see her again. hopefuly soon.
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